Life:Sweet,Bitter Chocs…

Prequel to my Art Project: "The Heart of Stone"

Me: Hey! Wassup?

Myself: Doin’ great, dude~ Yourself?

Me: Well, not too bad… Been better… Haha… How’s it goin’ with you and I?

Myself: It’s been great~ HaHa!

Me: I knew it! Haish… Good for you… I’m just not too sure with my very own feelings…

Myself: Hey… Since I am Mr Lover-Lover now… I am sho in touched with my feelings lately~ Wahahaha

Me: Bugger! There’s no need to gloat! Haha…

Myself: Okay2~ I apologize~

Me: It’s too late to apologize *starts singing dramatically*

Myself: Aaaaargh~ My eardrums… Haha… Just kidding… Hehehe…

Me: Someone’s in an exceptionally great spirits…

Myself: Haha… Sorry dude… Ok… Tell me wassup with ya lately.. It’s like I dont see you working here anymore…

Me: I just need some space I guess… To think things through and evaluate some stuff in my life…

Myself: Like?

Me:…

Myself: Hmmm… You dont have some kind of disease do ya?

Me: Choy~! Are ya cursing me? Darns!

Myself: Hahaha… Okaysh… My bad! Then tell me! Dont leave me hanging…

Me: Erm… What does love mean to you?

Myself: Tough… You in luuuuurve issit loverboy?!

Me: Noooooo… Well not really… Just being afraid…

Myself: To fall in love?

Me: Yeah… Sort of… I just dont understand love…

Myself: Well, do ya wanna the dictionary version or…

Me: Oh do shut your trap! Haish… I knew it~ You arent the kind who takes things seriously~ Aaargh… I’ve gotta go~ See ya ard…

Myself: Hey~ This is so unlike YOU… Gosh… Sorry dude… Okay okay… Settle down… I didnt know this question meant so much to ya… Hey sit down uh…

Me:…

Myself: Me aint some Love Guru or sumthin yeah… But hey I will try to help uh…

Me:…

Myself: Well… Erm… *clears throat* Tell me what’s goin on my man…

Me:I trust you not to tell anyone else uh…

Myself: You can trust me sir~ Haha… Okaysh sorrie… Serious mode!

Me: Myself… I’ve been thinking of this girl… Nay! My mind’s clouded with her… She’s everywhere… The first vision everytime I rose from my bed and, the last before I retire for the night…

Myself: It seems you have fallen in love… Haha… So have you made your move my friend? If late… There might come another…

Me: Yes! Of course~ I tried to please her… Showed her the tender side of me which I have never showed anyone else… However… It seems I tend to her hurt her every single time… Ugh!

Myself: Hurt her? How so?

Me: Well, everytime I felt that I failed to impress her or something… I tend to say or do foolish acts… I am so not myself with her… But I do know I love her…

Myself: What do you love about her?

Me:…

Me: I dont know… She’s just so attractive… I feel drawn to her… I think about her when I’m feeling down… I feel I am the ONE for her… No.. I am the one who suits her best… Who knows her truly… Who could make her happy truly…

Myself: So it’s just being her physically enticing?

Me: NO! U think me as someone so superficial? She fits every single criteria I wish in a girl… Patient… Smart… Loving…

Myself: Hmmm… Are these visions from your mind or sumthing? Cuz she seems to good to be true… Haha… Then again you know her better than me… On the other hand… If you know her… Understands her… What’s with all these tiffs n stuff?

Me: I dont get it myself… I feel I’ve changed drastically… Not myself anymore… Losing sleep thinking about this… I want her to want me… I want her to need me as I do for her~

Myself: Love is selfish… Love is selfless…

Me: Huh? Watcha blabbering about?

Myself: Love takes two hands to clap my dear friend… Do you really understand her? It takes time to understand someone… And it’s true for matters of the heart too… It takes time to be attracted to someone much longer if you know you are in love too…

Me: Wait… You’re like leaping from one point to the other! Wat abt that love is selfish n stuff?

Myself: Love is selfish because you want something out of it for yourself… For your own happiness… However, people tend to forget that Love is also Selfless… To wish and hope for that same individual whom you adore to be happy as well… You’re only thinking for yourself my friend… What do you know about what’s or who’s best for her…  You dont…

Me: But that doesnt mean we can try rite? Everything’s in this world is uncertain…

Myself: You have tried but you seem to neglect every single element in your environment and her’s…

Me: What’re you trying to say?!

Myself: Calm down… Do you really love her? Care for her? Is it a mere infatuation? Or has it come to obssession that blinded you? You may close your eyes on me… Or perhaps even your ears… But never close your mind my friend…

Me:…

Myself: If your feelings unrequited is it really the end of the world? Just throw everything away? Do you really care about yourself and about her? Do you isolate yourself and start to be angry at the world and blame her for not possessing similar feelings towards you?

Me:…

Me: I dont care anymore… Let the world hate me for who I am… Judge me then dear Gods! Let the Gods cast my heart in stone for I am cursed to be alone…

Just cant get close enough

Even when you’re standing right before me

Just cant get close enough

Dear, I just want you to see…

Time’s running out

And I’m still standing at the same spot

I tried to scream and shout

Yet every single word seems to rot…

When you’re near, I just cant move

When you’re far, cant stop thinking about you

What do I fear, just cant seem to tell

I keep fumbling my words, this sure is hell…

How do I win thy heart?

I hope not to break us apart

Wont find the right words to say

Looking @ you with shades of grey…

Just can get close enough

I want you to feel the way I feel

Just cant get close enough

No mere words or actions able to instill…

I just cant figure you out

I’ve told you so, wanna win thy heart

Even so, I dont wanna you to part

Forgive me now, for not being able to confess

To the one I love, To the one who make me cares

Once more…

I dont wanna be rash

I wanna give ya happiness

Life seems to be a dash

Which only ends in tears…

Just cant close enough

You’re slipping from my grasp

Just cant get close enough

Thy heart is not within my clasp…

Many tried to win thy heart,

All of them had failed,

‘Tho I kept my feelings shut,

I want to be the one who prevailed…

I may not be the one you want,

I just cant get the pieces to fit,

I may not be the one you want,

For I desire to be the one you need…

The times that long been gone,

Mistakes that incurred had passed,

Forever I must atone,

Forever I am despised…

There in the dark I dwell,

Here’s my goodbyes,

Your feelings dear I just cant tell,

I dont get reflected in your eyes…

I am a fool to think of you,

For trying from the start,

A fool taking a chance with you,

Just me and my Sweetheart…

A story I’ve been telling myself,

Is purely an illusion,

Another book left on the shelf,

A man trapped in his delusions…

The reflection in your eyes,

Is the place I aspire to be,

As much as I try to predict an end,

The future is not our’s to see…

Sally called when she got the word
She said, "I suppose you’ve heard ’bout Alice"
Well, I rushed to the window and I looked outside
But I could hardly believe my eyes
As a big limousine rolled up into Alice’s drive

I don’t know why she’s leaving or where she’s gonna go
I guess she’s got her reasons but I just don’t wanna know
‘Cause for twenty-four years I’ve been living next door to Alice
Twenty-four years just waiting for a chance
To tell her how I feel and maybe get a second glance
Now I’ve got to get used to not living next door to Alice

Grew up together, two kids in the park
Carved our initials deep in the bark, me and Alice
Now she walks through the doors with her head held high
Just for a moment I caught her eye
As a big limousine pulled slowly out of Alice’s drive

Then Sally called back, and asked how I felt
Then she said, "I know how to help get over Alice"
She said, "Now Alice is gone, but I’m still here"
You know, I’ve been waiting for twenty-four years
And the big limousine disappeared

No, I’ll never get used to not living next door to Alice

Song: Living Next Door to Alice

Artist: Smokie

Enough of pop and stuff~ Let’s turn back into time baby~~~~~~~~~

1. Advanced News Writing Paper & Assignment - July 7
2. IPPT (NSman) - yet to book*
3. Mizuno Wave Run 2007 - July 22, contemplating to participate
4. TP BBDC - July 25
5. SRC Rugby Training (weekly, alternate days)
6. Ideal Weight Goal - 70kg
7. New Balance 15km/10km run training - weekly &weekend running program
8. Standard Chartered 21km/42.2km - contemplating
9. Gym Training  - contemplating
10. Gunung Ledang/ Mount Ophir Climb with Syahril - contemplating

Weekly running program (5 routes):

Route 1: ‘Short’, loop from Boon Lay Mrt Station to New Stadium

Route 2: Boon Lay Mrt Station to Jurong East Mrt Station and back

Route3: Boon Lay Mrt Station to Clementi Mrt Station and back

Route4: Boon Lay Mrt Station to Dover Mrt Station and back

Route5: Boon Lay Mrt Station to Buona Vista Mrt Station and back

Weekend Running Program (Sunday):

Route 1: Macritichie Reservoir to Bukit Timah Nature Reserve

Dhani…

Maafkanlah Diriku…

Yang telah mengguris hatimu…

Walaupun dengan tidak sengaja…

Bukanlah hasrat hatiku untuk melepaskanmu…

Meski jua pada saat itu…

Dirimu amat menyayangiku…

Membaluti luka-lukaku yang dihiris oleh dirinya…

Ku amat menyesali…

Kerna kini dirimu sudah tiada lagi…

Ingin melupakan segalanya…

Ingin melepaskan seluruhnya…

Namun ku tidak bisa…

Ingin medakap tubuhmu…

Melihat wajahmu sekali lagi…

Lirikan matamu…

Senyuman manis mu…

Dhani Sayangku…

Maafkanlah daku…

I met a person from the future…

I didnt realize she’d be the love of my life…

The moment she gave me her heart…

I pushed it away for I belong to another…

And now I am shattered…

You have been hinting…

You have been holding on…

Yet, how can I ever face you dear?

It’s not because I dont love you…

It’s not because we cant be together…

I wish to embrace you like this forever…

Too late for regrets now…

You are chasing your dreams…

You are long gone…

I’ll never forget that haunting look in your eyes…

Those glistening eyes…

The grip of your soft hands…

Not wanting to let me go…

But you have to…

You must…

As you walk away…

The world around us seems such a blur…

Isnt this surreal?

Forgive me…

For not cherishing you when I had the chance…

Dhani…

Sweet name, Sweet face, Sweet love…

I’m left with a bitter after taste…

Due to my own shortcomings…

From a distance…

I can only watch you…

With my head hung low… What more can I do?

The stars embroided in your eyes tell a sad tale…

You must be hurting still…

Just as much as it hurts you…

I can feel the pain that exudes from you…

Sense your need to be held tightly…

And yet there’re no tears glistening your eyes…

Only stars…

Nevertheless, you are still in much pain…

You have yet to stop masking it…

From a distance…

Inspired by ‘Byul’ (Star) which is performed by Kim Ah Joong in 200 Pounds Beauty the Movie:

"The wind knocks on the window

Over the room as small as me

Twinkling stars so beautiful

Filling the room with love

Dont be Hurt~

Caressing my wound gently

Embracing me to sleep

Too hurt for my legs to walk

Eyes so blurry with tears

Before love never meant for me

I will keep on smiling~

Like those stars embroidered in my eyes

I will love you forever…"

A beautiful song from a beautiful movie… At times when you fall for someone… The other does not reciprocate… And it hurts… For you can only watch from afar… It seems every action of yours is futile… However, you still must carry on living… With a smile in your face… For now… Masking all those hurt… All those pain… All those tears… Picking up the pieces and try to find the rainbow that lights up the night of your heart…

The lowest form of life… Worse than a beast… No… Worse than crap… No… Worse than the micro-organism… It’s even worse than that… Being the lowest… To be shunned… Despised… Hate upon… Wishing that the earth should just open and swallow me alive…

I see…

I made another mistake… I had made my mistake eat me from the inside… The last time it happened… I went through such an emotional ordeal… I am even surprised I am alive… Thank God it only stretched for a moment… For God tested me again… Although in a different way… It very much carries similar traces… Once again, I am greatly humbled… Humans are born to err… Yet, we should continually learn from our mistakes and prevent ourselves from accomplishing it again…

LIFE…

Life is too precious to mourn… To brood… To grief… On our mistakes… On our past… On our sins… When the bleakness of death engulfs you… Not a moment too soon nor a moment too late… That marks the end of the opportunity to turn over a new leaf… Why do I fear death? Because I’ve done many things that I am not proud of… Some are trivial and there are others which only God may pardon me… And I do not know whether He will… Still, the journey of Life persists… Not a moment to waste… To make the best out of it… To learn… Be a better person… Treasure your love ones… It’s a neverending cycle… And you choose how beautiful you want it to be… The barriers of life will always test an individual relentlessly… All of us have problems, shortcomings, mistakes, etc… Even so… Why should we let these factors pull us down? Life doesnt wait for you… You must chase after Life to make the best out of it… To grasp at every given opportunity making amends… Loving thyself more dearly… Bringing happiness to your love ones… Embracing life to the fullest…

Tinkerbell…

Thank you for keeping faith in me… I was slightly depressed… I am so embarrassed to tell you the error that I had done… Yet, you held unto me… A true friend… Hard to find… And at the right time… Merely, with just your presence… You lifted me a little… "Just hang on…" With those words… You breathe life into me…

Botak King…

You made me realised that True Friends will never put another down… You shared with me your life experiences… Hoping that I would shake myself off my stupor… You reminded me a valuable lesson which I had clearly forgotten… Friendships… Like any other forms of relationships… Require understanding, trust, care, compassion, sensitivity and much much more to sustain it… I still hold unto the idea that True Friends never die… It’s just that True Friends are hardest to find… Remember our past squabble, Botak King? We thought we would never be the same again… Never see each other ever… But here we are… Still the same… I believe our friendship’s stronger… And you chicken backside brazenly ‘jab’ me with your teases when I am feeling down… Not too sure whether you are taking advantage of the opportunity or just want to lighten me up… I hope it’s the latter… You shared with me that you had been bitter once and almost thrown your friends away… You regretted your action and it almost ate you from the inside… And that made you realise how precious your friends are… You learned from the past and made it a lesson. Thank you for sharing with me this lesson Botak King… For it helped me see things in a different light… I should never let this mistake kill me… For Life doesnt wait for me…

To forgive is one thing… To ask for forgiveness depcits differently…To be bitter is another… To have your mistake devouring you is also a separate entity… But all may revolve around the same problem…

I have done what I believe I should… I can do no more… Except to continue with my Life… Friends come and go irregardless of their reasons… People come and go during different stages of my life… Dont look back… Even if you do… Just learn from the past… It is the future that I should focus on… That’s where my happiness is… Not letting the time God has given me being to waste… Thank you God for blessing me with wonderful love ones… I choose Life…

The lowest form of life…

Without me… There’d be no higher forms of life… For we all live in a cycle… Just like a chain… Life’s so intricate… We depend on each other… We lose one… We lose all… That’s why I hold my love ones dearly in my heart… For they are worth it… To be there in times of happiness… Reaching out their hands to pick me up when I am down… Thank you for everything…

Life…

I am going to make the best out of it~~~~~

Sorry is not the hardest word to say… Knowing that a person is hurt and it’s all because of one moment of folly on your part… Sorry means so little. It’s not about you feeling guilty or remorseful. It only revolves around that individual who’s being hurt… Reliving it every single second when the wound’s still fresh… With every trickle of blood spilled due to the cut, relates a lifetime of sin. The words "too late’ haunt you… The whispers "you’re to be blamed" grip you… The tears that flowed down the cheeks… Break you… Yet, the victim’s the one who has been broken… Sorry? It means so little… So trivial considering the harm that you had accomplished…

No amount of words may pacify the person… Time seems to go on forever… No amount of atonements matter… Why should they matter? Why should You matter? I DONT MATTER~ That’s why I have to spend the rest of my life atoning what I had done… I never felt so low… The words… I still remember that person’s words vividly… "It’s late, dont want to ruin your night…" Too kind to spare me the rod… Hiding the pain… The sorrows… The cut… So deep… It’s nauseating… The tears meandering down the cheeks… Only tears to accompany the night… Trying to sleep…

When that person is hurting… The heart’s weeping… Even when darkness enshrouds that body… It can never conceal the pain… What can you do? What can I do? NOTHING… The big zero… Just a hole in my soul… A gaping hole… In my already tainted soul… Too ashamed to face the world… Let the earth swallow me alive… Burn me even with the flames of Hell… And still, Nothing will ever remunerate the pain that I caused you… Forgive me… For I had been a fool… You are all that I have… And I certainly dont deserve you… How could I ever do such a thing? I am burdened to live with this sin for the rest of my life… However, it cant be compared to the scathe to your Heart… When you’re Hurting… Heaven’s weeping… May I not incur God’s wrath upon me for hurting one of his blessed creations in this manner…

Sorry is not the Hardest word to say… As compared to what I had done to you~ Spending the rest of my life atoning for my sins… Not knowing when it’d end… Afterall, when the wound’s healed… The scar still lingers as reminder… A mark… That I had left as a part of your life… As a part of my life… Forgive me… For I have sinned…

Forgive me…

For I have sinned…

On my knees now…

Why should I matter?

I dont matter…

Only You…

Only your Hurt…

Your Pain…

Your Blood…

Your Tears…

Your Life…

Your Heart…

Not mine…

I dont matter…

I’m so sorry…

So very sorry…

Please Forgive me…

For making you cry tonight…

A Grain of Sand…

Just like a grain of sand that falls to the bottom of the hourglass~

With only a second to grasp and hold you close…

I have lost that chance…

Misinterpreted reality~

A mistake that might scar you for life in a twinkling…

If ever raindrops fall on you…

I’d gladly be the one who dives into the abyss…

Not now… Not ever…

How could I be such a fool?

Building castles in the air… About us?

Just a dream… You never knew…

As I open my eyes… I lift my head…

Wishing I’d look into your eyes… But I only see myself…

I have only myself to hold unto…

I want to be close… Yet, I’d be better off being apart…

Searing pain… Tearing my Heart…

Dismayed… If only you knew how I am feeling inside…

If only you could listen to the whispers of my Heart…

For now… It weeps… Disrupting the silent night…

Its cries echo through and through…

There should be no hope…

Only the turn of tide…

It’s only a fantasy having you by my side…

An illusion that’ll take flight…

An illusion…

Only an illusion…

Farewell…